My Sister, Leslie Gene

“Mother, I’m half a country away,” I protested..

“Lenny, this is very serious, I need you to come now. Leslie has tried to kill herself!”

I couldn’t ask any more questions. “I’ll come as soon as I can get a plane. Please try to get control of yourself. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Years ago, when I was twelve years old, my mother became pregnant. During the pregnancy, she was ill for months. She tried to help in our grocery store, but she had a lot of morning sickness. She tried to drink beer, which our neighbors assured her would help, but she continued to be ill and spent a lot of time in bed.

 

During those months I helped in the store and continued my bar mitzvah studies. I was getting ready for my celebration and the presents I knew I would get.  In October, just before my 13th birthday, Uncle Ernest, my Mom’s older brother, sat me down and looked me squarely in the eyes. “Lenny,” he declared, “It looks like you’ll have to miss your bar mitzvah celebration. With your mom so sick and with a new baby about to arrive, it just doesn’t make sense. Your family really needs your help. I think that since you’ve studied and become ready to stand on the bema, you don’t need the ceremony or the party. You’re entitled to call yourself a man right now!”

 

In December, after the baby came, Mom continued to be sick. Dad was working many hours running our family grocery store.  I, the newly minted man, became an acting dad. I changed Leslie Gene’s diapers. I dressed her. I gave her baths. In the spring after Mom went back into the store, I continued to help with Leslie’s care. The neighbors smiled and said encouraging words as I pushed the carriage around the streets.

 

I loved the attention I was getting and I really did enjoy being Dad to Leslie Gene

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As Leslie was growing up, I loved playing with her. She was a laughing, smiling baby and I enjoyed helping to care for her when I got home from school. Just as I was flourishing as a bright kid in junior and senior high, Leslie too was always doing smart things and being a star. We smiled as we saw our six year old pirouette in her starched full skirted dress. I loved her success and I was her hero. Leslie Gene was always part of my life.

 

Even when I was twenty and a busy president of my undergraduate college senate, my girlfriend Eve and I took Leslie with us when we went for a picnic in the park. All three of us had a great time together.

 

In 1952 when Leslie Gene was eight, Eve and I married. We didn’t have a big ceremony, but Leslie stood next to Eve as we signed our marriage certificate.  

 

By the next spring, I was drafted and sent to Kentucky and Maryland and then to Germany. Because I served in a time between actual wars, Eve was able to live with me in both Maryland and Germany. We had a wonderful time as world travelers, but Leslie is lost in my memory of those years. Although we exchanged some letters with her, Leslie and we were on different paths.

 

Leslie wrote us,

 

You’re in the Army, but Mom and Dad are at war! I’m the one who’s in the middle of a constant fight. I wish I could be with you and Eve.

 

The best we could do was to try to be understanding. At one point she wrote that that she was visiting churches and looking for meaning in her life. “I’ve signed up for a class with Father Gallagher., He’s very warm and understanding. I’m not really thinking about converting, but it feels so peaceful there! Why can’t people just get along?”

 

All that Eve and I could think of responding was,

 

Please hang in We’ll be home soon.

 

When we returned for graduate school in Chicago, my parents had divorced. Leslie was in Youngstown with Mother and near Uncle Ernest who tried to help them.

 

Youngstown didn’t work for them and they moved to California where Mom bought a small grocery store. She worked long hours while she tried to manage Leslie, a budding teenager.

 

Mother wrote,

 

Lenny, I know Leslie is a good girl and she’s really trying to help me in the store, but she sits in her room crying a lot of the time. Sometimes she just goes out and doesn’t come home until very late. I am very worried! The school has called me to say they have asked her to see a counselor. They are afraid she may hurt herself. Lenny, I just don’t know what to do!

 

This was not an easy time for Eve and me, either. I was studying for my qualifying exam. Eve was pregnant, still working downtown and taking the train early each morning. “Mom,” I wrote, “I think the best thing you can do is encourage Leslie to go to counseling. This is probably teen age growing pains and of course, this is not an easy time for either of you. You’ve both been going through a lot! I wish I could do something from here, but I just can’t. I hope you understand.”

 

Telephone calls were expensive and traveling to California was not even an option. Prelims for my PhD were a serious threat. At “Chicago” a significant percent of psychology candidates failed their first tries at prelims and had to extend their studies over several years. Even though I had a university loan, I couldn’t imagine going more into debt. If I failed prelims, I was out! What would happen then to Eve and the baby still inside her? I know that what I wrote was no more than a “Hang-in-there” message, but what could I do?

 

I passed my exams! Not by much, but I passed my exams! I think our “baby inside Eve” helped the judges to decide in my favor. I recall that one question was about Sigmund Freud, whose theories I had stayed up the night before to review. I think I “Aced” that question! Funny, because as a student of Carl Rogers, I was a world away from Freud! I guess I’ll never know.

 

Eve and I turned to buying furniture for our baby who was due very soon. We excitedly began painting our apartment, the baby’s new home. What a happy time!

 

Danny, our first child arrived. He was a beautiful bundle of crying and of dirty diapers! We were filled with joy!

 

I was collecting data for my dissertation and driving daily more than an hour each way. Eve took care of Danny and was a wonderful mother and wife. I don’t recall how long the happy times lasted. It was a great time for us!

 

Mom’s next letter arrived.

 

Lenny, I just can’t manage this all here. I hope you understand. I have decided to sell my store. I don’t know what I’ll do next, but I’ve been writing to my cousins in Israel. They want me to come there for a visit. There’s a widower there who they think would be perfect for me. I don’t know what to think, but I just can’t manage here and when I sell the store, I’ll have enough money to go there.

 

Eve and I sat and looked at her letter with wonder. We telephoned her. “Wow, Mom! Your letter comes as a major surprise. We know you’ve been having a terrible time handling the store and Leslie’s problems, but we’re certainly confused. Will your money be enough to handle expenses? How will you manage with no income from the store? What will happen with Leslie? How are you going to manage all this?”

 

She was ready with her response. “Lenny, you and Eve can’t afford telephone calls. “I’ve written you another letter. Please trust me. I have to do this!” And then she hung up.  

 

Dear Children, You know that I don’t just make decisions without thinking. Life here has been really hard. I just can’t manage all this work of the store and of taking care of Leslie Gene. Aunt Sarah has been here helping me, but she also has a child and even with the two of us, I just can’t keep up. This is a very hard life. I have to do something.

 

I’ve been writing to my cousins in Israel. They tell me that I should come to see the life there. They will help me if I decided to emigrate and it will be a good new life for me and for Leslie.

 

I’m not making any decisions, but Lenny, you and Eve need to understand that I have to do something. My cousin, Evelyn wants me to meet a widowed man named Erich.  His wife died a year ago and he has two teen aged sons. He’s having a hard time, too. One of his sons is living with relatives in Boston.  Both sons need a mother and Erich is eager to come to America.

 

Please believe me. I need to give this a chance. I just can’t manage in California and my family in Israel really wants to help. I have to give this a chance!  

 

The line was underlined. Mom had made up her mind. She continued….

 

Children, I have discussed this with Leslie and she is writing you a letter. I hope you will say “yes” to her coming to live with you for a month or so while I am gone. She’s your sister and I know you love her. She would like to help you with Danny and she can go to school there. It will do her good and I am sure it will help you, too. Please do this for me and Leslie. It is very important! I love you, Mom.

 

The typed letter from Leslie, my thirteen year old sister, was folded inside.

 

Dear Len and Eve and Danny, I hope I can come and have my first high school semester, living with you while Mom is in Israel. I’m sure that the schools near the University of Chicago are good and that I can take my classes there while I’m with you. I’m doing OK in school, I guess. I’ll try to do my best and to help you with little Danny. Please say I can come to be with you. Love, Leslie

 

Eve and I sat up late into the night as I wrote our response. We sent letters to both my mother and to Leslie.

 

We began,

 

Please understand this is just not a reasonable plan! First, I’m working many hours with my studies and my internship. I am gone for hours every day. Second, Eve is taking care of our first baby. This is not easy and we don’t have time to manage another person, even if, Leslie, you are ‘no trouble’”. And Leslie, you need to understand that we live near the University, in a neighborhood that is really not safe. We are afraid even to walk here at night. This is a place where most of the people are poor black and from the south. The schools are not good. This is not a place for a teenager to live. This is not a workable plan!  Love, Len and Eve

 

Leslie’s response was quick and strong.

 

Dear Lenny and Eve, I was very surprised, to say the least, when I received your letter. Not so much because you felt it unwise to have me come and stay with you but because of the discrimination which your letter seemed to prove you have.

 

How can you assume that since your neighborhood is inhabited by some southern Negroes, it is they who lower the standards of the school? Does it not occur to you that if people like you, who were not in this one percent, as you put it, would, rather than discriminate, attempt to help the ones who have had less privileges, this one percent would soon be non existent?..

 

Her letter went on for pages. She was angry. She was articulate and she was on target. Mom’s response was also to the point.

 

Lenny and Eve, I am sorry that you can’t have Leslie stay with you. I have spoken with my neighbor, Mrs. Liss. She says that Leslie can stay with her for a month or so, while I’m gone. I’m sure this will work out. I’m making arrangements now. I won’t leave until I actually sell the store and I’ll stop in Cleveland and Chicago on my way home. I am guessing that I can leave sometime in April. I hope you understand that this is something I have to do. I send my love to you both and to baby Danny. Mom    

 

We answered,

 

 Dear Mom and Leslie, We’re happy that you’ve reached an arrangement and that Leslie will be able to stay with someone there in LA. Leslie, you were partly right about the schools and prejudice. This is a very crime filled neighborhood and right next to a major drug corridor in Chicago. We had the battery stolen from our car just last week. One of our friends and we too, were recently mugged here on our street. On the other hand, we have looked into it and it does turn out that the public schools near here are pretty good.

 

Many University families send their kids to the University High School, which is private, but families that can’t afford that or who prefer to use public schools do use the ones near to us. Because of their presence, the public schools here turn out to be pretty good. I am sorry, that what I told you was wrong. But,” I continued, “it really doesn’t make sense for Leslie to come here now in the middle of her school year. Also, we really do have our hands full and it would not be easy to have another person here, now. Leslie, we hope you understand. Love, Len and Eve

 

We were over the hump! Mom would take her trip to Israel and Leslie would to stay with the neighbor while mother was away. Leslie’s next letter was much more relaxed.

 

I like Hamilton High very much,” she wrote, “Actually though, I think that I liked Emerson better. In a junior high school you have the opportunity to discuss things with your teachers and can be much closer. At Hamilton there are 5,000 kids and hardly enough time or people to allow this. I am doing pretty well in my classes except World Problems…….I plan to go to a Junior College and then either to college at UCLA or get a job in a bank or as a secretary.

 

I am going through a stage now where I am very affectionate and look for affection all around me. Mother notices this. Last year I was quite withdrawn and wanted to be left alone. This year I constantly want to be assured that she loves me and am constantly telling her how much I love her. I have also suddenly become very interested in boys. I am often quite miserable because I haven’t started to go on dates yet for the simple reason that no one has ever asked me. But, mother assures me that I must wait and the time will come. I guess she’s right.

 

The store has been sold and tomorrow is Mom’s last day.  She is very happy and will be leaving on April 15^th. I guess that’s all for now. I have to go to the store and help. Love, Leslie, Kiss Danny for me.”

 

Once Mom arrived in Israel, the news was mixed. Mom’s cousins were truly welcoming and happy she was there. They arranged a meeting with Erich. In her next letter Mom wrote:

 

He’s wonderful! Everything I could have wanted. He came to Israel in 1938 from Austria. There, he had a wholesale china and house wares business. Here, he managed a factory and now has a shop of his own. He lost his wife a year ago. He has two sons. One is living in Boston with relatives. The other is 13 years old, just like Leslie. I like Erich very much. He is everything I hoped for! We have decided to marry!

 

Lenny, I am writing to you, and Ernest and Eddie and to your father.  My American divorce means nothing here. The rabbi’s in Israel require that I  have a religious divorce! I can’t marry Erich without it and I can’t bring him to America unless we are married! The American consulate can’t help because they honor the laws of Israel. We can’t go to Cyprus to get married because, for Erich to get permission to go there from Israel, all his past tax records have to be given to the government and this isn’t easy. Lenny I need you and Eddie’s to try to get a religious divorce from the Rabbi’s there. I know that Eddie is trying. Please talk to your Dad and to Eddie. I can’t leave here until we are married!

 

I wrote her

 

Mother,”, “Ed and Ernest and I are all doing whatever we can. Dad is very willing to cooperate, but this takes time. Are you sure that Eric and his son can’t come here as tourists and then you can marry after you get the divorce?

 

The letter from my mother responded,

 

Lenny, I realize that I have been in Israel more than a month. Believe me that it would not work for me to come back now and for Erich to come as a tourist.  I can’t even go into that now. I’m very upset with the letter I enclose that I received from Mrs. Liss.

 

As you know when I went to Israel Mrs. Liss agreed to have Leslie stay with her while I was gone. Now, I have this letter saying that Leslie is completely out of control, staying out nights, and maybe involved with all sorts of sex! Lenny, I don’t believe it. Mrs. Liss says in her letter that she can’t manage Leslie.  I don’t think what she says about Leslie is true. Please talk to Mrs. Liss or fly to LA and see what you can do. I just can’t .leave Israel now.

 

The very next day, Mrs. Liss telephoned me. “Lenny, I hope you have heard from your mother. Leslie has been here for a month since your mother went to Israel, but I just can’t manage her. Lenny, I have put Leslie on a plane to Chicago. She’ll arrive at 4pm, please meet her.” Before I could say a word, she continued, “Lenny, I think you know that your mother is visiting her cousin, who has found a man she thinks your mom might like to marry.  I wish I could do more, but I simply can’t!”

 

She continued, “I agreed to have Leslie stay here, but I can’t deal with her. Lenny, she’s constantly depressed and crying, and some nights she doesn’t come home until very late. She refuses to see a counselor. She’s very upset and I don’t know what to do! I’m sorry to be doing this. Lenny, you’re a psychologist... Maybe Leslie can help you with your new baby and you can help her.”

 

Wow! What a time that was! Leslie really did help with our new baby. She was warm and loving….a joy to have as a helper. Then, one morning, I went into the living room, where Leslie was using our Murphy bed. I grabbed the plastic bag that she had tied around her head!

 

After a lot of talking, we assured ourselves, that Leslie was not really attempting suicide. We decided, she was just seeking attention.

 

In the days that followed, we talked, we hugged; we worried. She helped us, we worried and I studied for my exams. Eve and I held up our part, while Mom was in Israel, and my brother Ed, in Cleveland, tried to arrange rabbinical recognition of mom’s divorce.

Eight weeks after she left California, my mother, her new husband Erich and his two young sons were in America. They came to Chicago so Eve and I could meet them, and so Leslie could join them on a trip to Youngstown where Mom had arranged for Uncle Ernest to again help them get started. Again Uncle Ernest’s help didn’t work. Again they moved to California and this time opened a hamburger stand to earn a living. After a year, when that didn’t work they were back in Youngstown. This time they opened a delicatessen. With Mom’s chicken soup and Eric’s corned beef sandwiches, they became a great success!

 

Leslie, a troubled teenager wrote sad and angry poetry and was always depressed. Eric, my step father, turned out to be a very warm and loving man. As he cared for his own two boys who were advancing through their angry teens, Eric tried to reach out to Leslie. She was unhappy even though she was seeing counselors.

 

In her letters to Eve and me, Leslie included some of her poems, and wrote of her unhappiness and of her feeling of being lost. Here is one.

 

Give me your hand, let me help

Let me show the way.

Let me help you, take my hand

Come, let’s sit and pray.

 

I will help you to decide

To differ wrong from right.

To work and play, each in its time.

To grow in strength and might.

 

I’ll stay with you forever

We two will never part

Come, Prepare. Be ready

No time like now to start.

 

She so admired us and hoped that someday, she could be an intellectual. We exchanged visits and wrote letters of reassurance.

 

Mom and Eric had their hands full and somehow although troubled, Leslie continued through high school graduation. She even finished Youngstown College!. She was helping with kids in her synagogue. She saw counselors but remained unhappy. When she was twenty-two, she got a wonderful job in the Federal Reading Program, bought a car and took an apartment on her own. It seemed to Eve and me that Leslie was out of the woods!

 

She had even met a boyfriend, Mark! My mother, my stepfather Erich, my brother Ed, my father, Eve and I were all thrilled.

And now, I arrived at the hospital to see my Leslie Gene who had tried to kill herself!

Quickly, they escorted me to Intensive Care where Leslie was in bed under a canopy and with tubes everywhere. The machines were running, lights flashing. My mother and Erich were at the door crying. My brother, Ed stood with them. All they knew was that Leslie’s landlady had heard a noise, rushed into the apartment and found Leslie bleeding, with a gun on the floor next to her. The landlady called the police and an ambulance had brought Leslie here.

As I stood there crying, my dad arrived from Florida where he had been living since the divorce. He was crying. He was shaking. He was confused. He was nearly out of control...I tried to comfort him. The doctor arrived.

“Dr. Gottesman, I’m Dr. Rosen. Your sister is comfortable and getting oxygen. Do you understand that she had a gun and that she shot herself?”

I nodded assent.

“Dr. Gottesman, we can keep her this way as long as you would like, but there is very little chance that she will regain any of her faculties. The bullet entered her brain and caused serious damage. You and your family need to decide what you want. I suggest that you let her die comfortably. I’ll be outside, please call me when you need me.”

My mother and Erich and Ed all turned and followed him out of the room. As I stood with my father, he sobbed. “Lenny, there has to be something that they can do! Leslie is such a good girl. She can’t die now. Please ask the doctor to do something.”

I hugged him. “Dad,” I said softly, “there’s nothing more they can do. We need to let her die!”

I turned. As I walked past, my Mother, Erich and Ed were standing with Leslie’s counselor. “I just don’t understand,” Ms Gimble confided, “I saw Leslie three days ago and she was up and excited. She and her new boyfriend, Mark, had hit it off. Leslie told me that they were planning to spend the night together. She was thrilled. I can’t understand why this has happened.”

 

As we talked, Mark came in. He was shaken and confused. “I feel terrible that maybe this had something to do with us. I couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t make it to the date we had arranged. I left a message on her phone and she didn’t call me back. I don’t know what happened. When I went to her apartment, the landlady sent me here. I feel terrible!”

 

My eyes filled with more tears as I put my arms around him. “Mark,” I said, “there’s nothing you can do. We all feel terrible.”

 

I walked on to Dr. Rosen.

 

“Turn off the machines,” I said.